Episode 102 Show Notes

Episode 102: The 4 Most Toxic Quotes In Private School Leadership

Episode 102 Show Notes

CLICK HERE for Episode 42: Extreme Ownership (Leadership Lessons From A Navy SEAL)

The 4 Most Toxic Quotes In Private School Leadership

“When you do the impossible, it becomes part of your job description.”
“We’ve always done it this way.”
“That’s on a need to know basis”
“It is what it is.”

Call to Action

Ask yourself, “Which of these 4 quotes is most true about my work?”
Take one action this week to get better in that area

Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget.

Are you feeling tired, discouraged and overwhelmed?

Do you ever feel like the pace that you keep is not sustainable?

Does the school tend to invade your weeknights and your weekends?

Do you feel like work-life balance is a myth?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, then I want you to check out THRIVE Academy.

THRIVE Academy is an online course with 39 lessons, over 9 hours of video content, and an 86 page workbook with guided notes, reflection questions, calls to action and more AND you get live office hours on Zoom for the first 6 weeks.

CLICK HERE to learn more about THRIVE Academy!

I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations.

George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. CLICK HERE to grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School”.

Do you have any difficult teachers at your school? Of course you do. We ALL do!

They take up a lot of our time and emotional energy.

Well, I have created a new resource to help you with your difficult teachers.

It is called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers.

These strategies will give you a step by step game plan to help improve the performance and attitude of your difficult teachers.

Sound good to you? CLICK HERE to grab this free guide!

I want to say thank you for listening to the podcast by giving you a FREE GIFT. It is called The 7 Steps To Having Successful Meetings With Upset Parents. This guide is an 11 page pdf that gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. Every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. Too many private school leaders don’t have a plan when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a PLAN! CLICK HERE to get the guide!!

I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. CLICK HERE to get the guide!

I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. CLICK HERE to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week!

I’ve created another FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can CLICK HERE to get “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. Thanks!

If you implement any of these strategies at your school, I would love to hear from you! Send me a quick note at [email protected] and tell me about it. I can answer your questions and I’m also good at giving pep talks when you get stuck!

If you have gotten value from listening to the podcast, I would love to work with you 1-on-1. I would love to take my experience and help you to feel less overwhelmed and frustrated or help you have success if you are a brand new leader. I also work with private school leaders who are aspiring Heads of School and want to accelerate their leadership growth or experienced leaders that are moving on to a new school and they want to get off to a great start. If I’m describing you, then CLICK HERE to learn more about working with me 1-on-1.

CLICK HERE for a bunch of free resources, including Plug & Play PD's (video webinars with guided notes) for you to use with your teachers, Top Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books, TED Talks and much more!

Please follow, rate and review this podcast. The rating helps this podcast to be heard by more leaders and your review gives me valuable feedback so that I can better serve you in future episodes. If you got value from this episode, please text the link to an aspiring leader at your school. Thanks!

Music by Twisterium from Pixabay

TRANSCRIPT:

Welcome to the private school Leader podcast, where private school leaders learn how to thrive and not just survive as they serve and lead their schools. I strongly believe that it is possible to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that right here on the private school leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Menkes. • • So if you've been listening to the podcast for any length of time, • • you probably already know this about me, but I love motivational quotes. I love inspirational quotes, and I've actually talked about some of them, um, right here on the podcast. • • A, um, couple years ago, I did a podcast episode about Nelson Mandela as head of school, • and I think that was summer of 2023. Anyways, um, my favorite quote from Nelson Mandela said, • as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. Just love that quote so much. And • • way back in episode one, • • • I had a section in that episode called live the quote. And the quote that I was referring to was Maya Angelou when she says, people will forget what you said. People will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. And I just love that quote so much. And just one more. And that is from Gandhi, and he said, you must be the change you wish to see in the world. • • And so these quotes inspire us. They motivate us. We see quotes on Instagram, • • and there are a lot of quotes that really can help us and maybe even change our way of looking at things and change our life in a positive way. • • But there are also a lot of quotes out there that do the exact opposite. They discourage us. They make us feel hopeless. They make us feel worthless, and that life is pointless and feel overwhelmed. • • And there are a lot of toxic quotes floating around out there, and some of them happen in our schools. And so, on today's episode of the private school Leader podcast, we are going to discuss • the four most toxic quotes in private school leadership. • •

So, before we get into today's topic, I want to ask you a question. • • • What problem • can I help you solve today? • • • So, let me ask that again. What problem can I help you solve today? And so • • what kind of problems are you dealing with right now? Feeling overwhelmed. • • School, um, • is constantly invading your home life. • • Um, what about your days are ruled by the tyranny of the urgent? • • Um, do you have relentless parents at your school? • • • • Remember, we're talking about problems that I can help you solve. Maybe you're not sure how to take your leadership and career to the next level. Maybe your problem is imposter syndrome, or maybe the problem is feeling guilty that your family gets what's left of you at the end of the day and it doesn't feel like enough. • • • Well, I can help you solve your problem. I want to work with you and help you solve your biggest problem. • • And I wanted to let you know that I have three coaching spots open right now, • and I would love to work with you one on one, and you can check out more about [email protected]. coaching and just think about what is the biggest problem, what's the biggest pain point for you right now? • • And I can help you solve that problem. • • Coaching is all about transformation, and it's all about solving problems. And so check it out. Learn more about [email protected]. • coaching • • and I want to give you a free gift for listening to the podcast, just to say thank you and support you in your leadership there at your school. And this one is a six page PDF, and it's called the six things that every private school teacher wants from their leader. • • And this is a free guide for you. I think it can be a game changer. I guarantee that if you do these six things, just these six things, that your teachers will be happy to follow you, and you can grab your free [email protected]. guide that's the six things that every private school teacher wants from their leader that's free for you. [email protected]. •

guide • • so the four most toxic quotes in private school leadership. • • All right, let's get into it. Number one, • • • • • • • when you do the impossible, it becomes part of your job description. • • When you do the impossible, it becomes part of your job description. • Toxic quote number two, • • we've always done it that way. • • • • We've always done it that way. Toxic quote number three, • • • that's on a need to know basis. • • • That's on a need to know basis. • And toxic quote number four, • • • it is what it is. • • • • So what I want to do today is take each of these four quotes, gonna break it down into three parts. I'm gonna acknowledge some things about the quote that might be kind of true. • • • • I'm gonna talk about the problems • • that this quote creates, why it's so toxic, but most importantly, I'm going to give you some solutions • • • with regards to this toxic quote. • All right, so that's the plan.

Let's get into it. Number one, toxic quote number one, when you do the impossible, it becomes part of your job description. • • • And I've heard this said, um, at my school, I've said it. • • And of course, the idea here is that you do something, • • let's say it's, um, a big thing. • • And, uh, it was a lot of work, and you barely got the thing across the finish line by the time it was due. • • And then • • • • • • • maybe • • • you felt good about it. Maybe you got a pat on the back, maybe you didn't. But the problem is that then that just becomes the expectation • • and that big, hard thing that you did well, when the next year rolls around, then it just becomes part of your job description. • • • • • You can do the impossible, and so then you're going to have more to do. And those people above you, whether it's your division head and your • supervisor, um, • • is the head of school, or whether you're a head of school or a principal or superintendent, and your boss is the board chair, • • • when they see you do the impossible, • • often they believe that anything, you can do, anything, and then more keeps coming your way. • • • So I want to acknowledge that sometimes this quote is kind of true, that you have a full plate. More ends up on your plate. Some of it is just the nature of work in general, that • • • schools grow. If you do a really good job, • • then your school grows, then you have more to do. And if you don't get help or if you don't say, • • um, if you. If you don't, um, say no, or if you're not good at delegating or fill in the blank a lot of things, then that plate becomes more and more full. Okay. And so I just want to acknowledge that sometimes this quote is kind of true, • • • but when you do the impossible, • • • it becomes part of your job description. The reason that that's such a toxic quote • • • is that it's kind of tricky. This quote plays a trick on us, and, uh, I'll explain what I mean. First of all, it kind of feels. • • • Kind of feels empowering at first. It kind of feels like, yeah, I've got this. It kind of feels like • • • this badge of honor that you wear and that you can do anything, you can outwork any problem, and it feels kind of good, • • but • • in reality, • • it just sets an unreasonable standard. And then the goal post • keep, um, • moving. • And you know what I'm talking, um, about. You know, that thing that you used to do • • • that was like a really, really big deal. Now it's just not even thought about. It's just part of what you do. • And that's fine if something else came off your plate, but you and I both know that as a private school leader, • it's very rare for things to come off your plate, and it's very common for more and more to get added to your plate. • • And so the other problem with this toxic quote is, is that it just implies • that you should be able to achieve extraordinary results • • without the right amount of support or the right or, uh, the necessary time in order to get that task accomplished. • • • And then, of course, the third big problem is that when • • • the impossible becomes part of your job description, • • • • • we know that that work does not fit into a school day. • • And that's when • we then are working weeknights, weekends. • • It's the rule. It's not the exception. That's when we're checking email, laying in bed before we say good morning to the person that we share bed with. • That's when the school is like water, and water goes wherever it wants to go, and it will creep into every nook and cranny of your life. • • • • • • When you do the impossible, it becomes part of your job description. • • • The impossible doesn't fit into the school day, • • and so it's going to transgress on • • all of our time outside of school. • •

All right, so we've identified the quote. We've talked about why it's toxic. What's the solution? • • All right, first of all, • • we need to stop wearing this as a badge of honor. And I used to do it for years, and I used to say the quote to other people • • when I finished a task or when I was given a task, because it was kind of a badge of honor for me, • • that I can do the impossible, you know? Who can do the impossible? Superheroes. You know? So there's kind of an ego thing. There was, at least for me. And we need to stop wearing that as a badge of honor. • • • We need to, number two, stop and think • • about what doing the impossible is doing to you. I want you to stop and think what doing the impossible is doing to you. • • What's it doing to your physical health? • • • What is it doing to your mental health? • What is it doing to your relationships? • • • • • • • • • I'm pausing. I want you to think. We know it's not good, all right? • And so another, uh, thing to do, stop wearing it as a badge of honor. Uh, stop and think. Number three, solution is to shrink your plate. And you're like, yeah, right. Okay. That's never going to happen. Okay. • • • • Here's what I want you to think about for a minute. • • • • I coach a lot of leaders who talk to me about how when they go out and about in the school, • that they, • • • um, are given a lot of problems as they're going through the school, you know, interacting with teachers, maybe an occasional parenthood, um, colleagues that are admins, um, just a coach, just, you know, • • • and I have two people that are coming to mind recently, just within the past few months, have said that it's gotten to the point where they think twice and then a third time before they even go out and about in the school because they know that they're coming back with several problems. • • And I want you to think about that, and I want you to think about proximity problems and crying babies. And I'm probably going to do an episode on just the types of problems. Um, but there's proximity problems and that is something that's not really a problem, but you happen to be walking by and they're like, oh, hey, well, while you're here, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That wasn't a thing that that parent at the soccer game or that teacher in the lunchroom was actually going to talk to you about or send you an email about, but it's a proximity problem because you just happen to be there. Okay. • • • • • There's a way to push back on the, on those proximity problems. Put that in an email and send it to me. That's a way to weed out whether or not it's actually really a problem or not. That's what I say to people all the time if I'm out and about in the school, • • • hey, what about blah, blah, blah? There's no way I'm gonna remember that by the time I get back to my desk. And so I say, hey, put it in an email or put that on the subject line of an email, send that to me, so on and so forth. And now it's on them. And sometimes that will weed out of the, um, actual importance from urgency.

But I mentioned crying babies. So here's what I want you to think about. When you're out and about in the school • • • • and people are handing you all these problems, I want you to think about them as handing you crying babies. • • • • • • • These people are handing you a crying baby. You walk down the hall, someone else hands you a crying baby. So I, uh, want you to ask yourself the question. Is this teacher handing me this problem? • • Are they handing me this crying baby because they've done, done everything, they've tried everything they can do to get this baby to stop crying • • • and they just can't? Or are they handing you the crying baby because they don't want to hold a crying baby? • • • • • • • • Okay, so my point is, is that the problems that we take on. • • • I think that we need to develop a little bit more backbone, a little bit more pushback, because our pattern of just being a helper and, uh, solving problems, and that's what we do for a living, and we're good at it, okay? But • we are enabling • • instead of empowering • a lot of our people. • • • And again, it's stopping and thinking about it and giving a little pushback. And, well, did you try? And so on and so forth. And I know it might be awkward, but you know what else is awkward is the guilt that you feel when you're not interacting with your family or when you're falling asleep during dinner. • • So we need to shrink our plate, and we need to be aware and think about the types of problems that are coming our way that we're saying yes to. And then a couple more here real quick on this toxic quote. When you do the impossible, it becomes part of your job description. What can we do to, um, solve this problem? • • • Um, just to really stop to think about what is realistic. • • And I know that realistic and I, you know, our jobs, that the Venn diagram doesn't really overlap very often, if at all. But I want you to think about clearly communicating with your board chair or your head of school, whoever your boss is, about how you feel. • • • • • And you say, well, what do you mean? And I'm like, okay. • What I'm saying is, • • if you're feeling overwhelmed • • and constantly stressed and constantly behind, • • • and you feel like you have to outwork every problem, and then you're feeling bad because things are slipping off your plate, and you're feeling bad at, uh, you're feeling bad at school because things are dropping off your plate. You're feeling bad outside of school because you don't have energy or time for the people that matter to you outside of school, and then you feel guilty about that, • • • then that doesn't have to be your life. • • • And • • • I'm not saying that everything is going to magically change. And you might be thinking, well, my boss • • doesn't care. My boss is a hustle culture. Toxic, um, you know, outwork every problem kind of person. Okay. • • • • • The reason I said that, when you talk to them and you just say, this is how I'm feeling right now. • • • If you talk about tasks and you talk about this and that and the other thing, there can be a lot of comebacks from that person and say, well, if you did this or you did that, blah, blah. But in reality, a person can't • • • argue • • with how you feel because your feelings are your feelings. And they're valid. And I've found over the years that when you're trying to stand up for yourself, when you're trying to get a little help, when you're trying to delegate a task that you need, you know, the, um, support slash approval to do that, when you're trying to push back about how many evening events you're going to go to this particular week, • • • that what really moves the needle with most • • • bosses, whether it's the board chair or the head of school, is not to talk about all the tasks and all the hours in the day and all the is to talk about how you're feeling right now. I'm stressed out. I'm overwhelmed. I'm, um, anxious. I don't see my family. I'm falling asleep during dinner. And it's hard to do that. It takes courage to do that because we all want to be perceived as these superheroes. Well, guess what? That superhero outwork, any problem mentality is what leads to us just accepting this quote, that when you do the impossible, it becomes part of your job description. And that is a recipe for burnout and a recipe for you not wanting to do this for a very long time. • • And I tell you every, • • uh, episode at the beginning that I believe that a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader is possible. • • • • This is one of the ways we're going to get there. All right, that's toxic quote number one. Toxic quote number two. We've always done it this way. • • Now, you probably cringed when you heard that, and you probably are thinking, well, I never say that because it's so cringey, and I hate when people say that. Okay, that's true. • • • Um, but we might not say it out loud, but if it's reflected in our practice, if it's reflected in the way that we work, then • • we are kind of using this quote without saying the quote. We've always done it that way.

All right, so first, I want to acknowledge that when we're super busy • • • doing things the way that we've always done them is how we get through the day. And I'm not even talking about, like, full on survival mode. I'm talking, uh, about just, like, making sure that the school is running, that everybody's safe, and all the teachers showed up, and that all the kids are where they belong. • • Um, and the heat works. Okay, so I get it. Like, when you're super busy, • • • there are things that you do, • • um, because it's how you get through that day. Okay, I get it. • Um, innovation and new ways of doing things, like when your capacity is zero, that's not when you're thinking about new ways to do things. Got it. Okay. Number two, the reason I want to acknowledge that this quote sometimes has validity is because it's very, very comfortable. We are creatures of comfort. We don't really like change. Our brains actually try to protect us from change. And so if we've always done it that way, then, you know, that's comfortable. • • And so, • • • • • you know, we. And then here's the third thing about acknowledging, is that sometimes the way that we're doing a thing • is, is great. It's very efficient. If it isn't broke, don't fix it, that kind of thing. So I'm not saying we have to change everything for change sake. I'm just talking about that. You know, we've always done it this way is, is kind of a toxic quote. Um, and we just need to acknowledge some things about it, but then look a little deeper and see if that's popping up for us in our work, at our schools. • So then what are the problems with this toxic quote? • All right, first of all, it's just signals, • • like a huge billboard, electronic billboard that's blinking in bright lights. It signals resistance to change. • • • And that can be really toxic in our private schools, especially where tradition holds a lot of weight.

And I want to talk for a second about the intersection of tradition and resistance to change. • • • I coach a guy whose school is 160 years old. • • • • • That is some tradition. I mean, they've got some traditions there. Um, • • • • • and they're just like, • • • • • • • • • um, • • • • • • • • it would be sacrilege to say, well, we're not going to do that. I'm not talking about that. Like, if there are traditions at your school, I love traditions. • • I encourage people to come up with new traditions. If you're a, ah, newer school and you don't have a lot of traditions. • • • Um, but sometimes, especially with well established schools, we stand on tradition when really what we're doing is we're resistant to change. Change takes a lot of emotional and physical and mental energy, • • and if we don't have any in reserve, then we're probably not going to make a change. Okay, but the other problem with this quote is, is that when we cling to outdated practices just because they're familiar, then we're stifling the growth of our school. • • And so if we are running our school • • • • the same way that we were eight years ago, • • • then • • we're probably not going to grow, • • • you know, and especially, I know not very many schools that leaders that listen to this podcast, have a school where there's a waiting list, but especially if you're close to full or full. • • And, um, things are going well with finances, uh, • • • and so on and so forth, that, • • • uh, you know, sometimes it's like, okay, well, everything seems to be working, and so it's kind of hard to know. But I feel like if our default is everything's fine, let's just leave everything the way that it is, that we're leaving some growth and some change and some innovation on the table. So what are some solutions to this? All right, first of all, I think it's important to acknowledge that change is uncomfortable. You know, I don't like it. You don't like it? Um, • • I coach a couple people who actually really thrive on change. I'm not that person. • • Um, • • • • I was thinking about, um, • • how • • we just are, • • you know, uncomfortable when. When they want us to change. I heard, • • um, • • a joke about you, um, know, how many, um, people does it take to change a light bulb? And, um, it was like, well, why do we need to change the light bulb? Um, • • • • well, because the room's dark. But you get the idea. And so that's the first thing is to just acknowledge the change is uncomfortable. The second way to kind of get past and to rev yourself up with some, um, energy, um, even if it's false energy, and just kind of like, sort of like that liquid courage, um, when you want to ask somebody out on a date kind of a thing. Um, I just want you to stop and think about the kids, okay. And I'll explain what I mean. Um, • • • and I use. Just want to use a quick example. So there's a YouTube video. You can find it. It's really short. Um, it's a 1980 news report • • of people reacting to new, um, dui laws in their state. • And this one woman, she's like, they're telling us when we can drink and where we can drink, and the next thing you know, they'll make a law that we have to wear seatbelts. • And she's sitting in her pickup truck, and she's got a beer in her hand. And so it was announced in that state, don't know what state it was. • • This is 1980, that drinking and driving was going to be against the law. And then she was saying, next thing you know, they're going to make a law that we have to wear seatbelts. And we, of course, know • • that is a law in all 50 states. Here's my point. • If in 1980, • • • that state • • had not enacted drunk driving laws and had not enacted seatbelt laws, how many people • • • would have died since 1980 because of that? • • • And how many people since the national. Since it became a national law to wear seatbelts, how many lives have been saved? And so my point is that change is uncomfortable in the moment. It seems kind of comical to look back at a news report from 1980 and think that people were all wound up about, um, drinking and driving, becoming against the law. But we could look at all different kinds of innovation, and there's always been resistance to it all along, whether it was the automobile or the personal computer or the smartphone or fill in the blanken. And so we need to think about the kids. What year are we preparing for? Are we just surviving this year, or are we trying to get our school ready for a year in the future? And what are we doing to prepare these kids for that future? Can it be done better? And that's the next one, is just ask yourself the question, could this be done better? Yes or no? • • And then maybe you just have zero capacity right now, but maybe you just start a Google Doc, • • and it's just a placeholder. You know, you're in a situation, maybe it's an event, maybe it's a procedure. Um, • • • • • and it's like, oh, boy, here we go again. We're doing this. Really? Are we still doing this? Are we still doing this the same way? • Um, but then that thought's gonna go away, and that annoyance is gonna go away until it's the next year, and you're at, like, the band concert and nobody can see the kids or the. You're at the, you know, fill in the blank, and no one can hear the kids because the sound system, you know, dot, dot, dot. You get the point. And so I would recommend starting a Google Doc where you can just put it as a parking lot. And then there will be times during the year, maybe it won't be till next summer, when you have a little bit of time to look at that, and you can improve that procedure. You can improve that event at a time, um, when you have a little bit more bandwidth. And then the last thing that I suggest, as far as a solution to we've always done it this way, is • • • • • to schedule 30 minutes a week when you think about things at your school that are going to happen more than one year in the future. • • So let me say that again. • • • • • Proactive leaders, • • • • • • they schedule 30 minutes a week • • • to think about things that are going to happen at your school more than one year in the future. • Here's what I'll tell you. Very, very few private school leaders do this. • • Most of the reasons have to do with time and capacity and all the things you're doing, plus teaching classes, plus covering classes, plus covering in the lunchroom where the person is on medical leave. I get it. But one of the ways that your school will grow is when you start to carve out time. Maybe start with ten minutes a week. Maybe it's just on your drive on a Wednesday morning where you're going to devote that time to think about stuff that's more than one year in the future. And I'm telling you, it will change your school. • • Okay, the four most toxic quotes in private school leadership. Number one, when you do the impossible, it becomes part of your job description. Number two, we've always done it that way. Number three, • • • that's on a need to know basis only. Alright? So let's acknowledge that some things are actually on a need to know basis. And those would be personnel decisions, • • • things that, um, you know, disciplinary measures, performance improvement plan, the reasons for a termination of an employee, • • • um, some of the financial information of the school. • • • • You know, there are some things that are just not for public knowledge. And I get it. You know, they're as one of the • • drawbacks to being a private school leader is that we make decisions in • • • private • • that have public consequences and then we have to suffer in silence while everyone • • • • • • • second guesses and triple guesses are, um, • • • • decisions. So that's hard. Isolation in a fishbowl. Right. • • •

So another thing I want to acknowledge is that some schools have a gossip problem. • • • Um, • and so you're worried that, you know, and let's set aside the actual, like, • • • • • • • um, financial stuff, um, and termination stuff and performance improvement plan, personnel stuff. I'm talking about just general information about a new policy or a new initiative or why we're changing this curriculum or why we change the procedure for carpool or this or that. • Um, some schools have a gossip problem and some leaders are just reticent to • • share information because • it's going to be out there in the school community. • • • And I don't mean just a gossip problem internally. I mean a gossip problem where teachers are friends with parents and then stuff is getting out there. I get that and we'll talk about that more in a second. But I would honestly say that I think that there are very few things • • that, um, we need to have them be on a need to know basis. There are very few things that are truly confidential in a school. There are things, • • but I think that we put far too many things in that category for the wrong reasons. Okay. • • And so that will come out here in a moment when I talk about the problems. So what are the problems behind this? Well, first of all, the phrase, um, ah, that's on a need to know basis, • • promotes, um, • • • • • secrecy. It's a lack of transparency. • • It can create distrust and confusion among your staff and your parents, • • and it can lead to resentment that, um, • • he doesn't trust us, she doesn't trust us. Um, it leads to speculation. • • Um, • • • • and then the speculation. • • • You know, uh, I have told you before that a narrative void will always be filled • • • when there's speculation. If there's, um. If there's a void as far as the narrative behind a decision, • • • • • • then that void will be filled with speculation and rumors and gossip. And so I've always found, • • • if it's not confidential, • I try not to over explain. I used to do that years ago, and Washington, that was a real problem for me, was over explaining and over apologizing. But just to explain the rule or, uh, the procedure or the new policy or the rationale behind a decision that's not confidential and to just put it out there and say, I made the decision, you know, if you want to talk about this privately, um, with me, I'm happy to do that. That's, um, the other thing that sometimes we're just like, oh, my gosh, I don't want to bring this up in a. In a meeting, because then, you know, that person, that one teacher is going to make this into a thing. • • It could be that you announce it and then you say, you know what? If you have a question, you know, follow up with me, um, in private. • Um, it just depends on your staff and depends on you. • • Um, you know, that. That we've always. Or, excuse me, the, um, • • • that's on a need to know basis is always. The bottom line is, is it's really. It's really bad for morale in your. In your school. • And so we know why it's bad. Let's talk about some solutions • • first. Uh, of all, ask yourself the question, why am I keeping this information to myself? Why am I not sharing this with my team? Is it insecurity that you have as a leader? • • • Is it a lack of trust of your team? • Is it that you think from a positional standpoint, that, well, I'm the boss, and they should just respect what I decide, and I don't need to explain myself. • • • All right. I'm not saying I'm not going to commentate on any of those reasons. I just think it's important to find out why you're keeping it to yourself in the first place, is ask yourself that question and then tell them what you can, when you can. Um, • • I really believe strongly in that. Tell them what you can, when you can. And I've told my teachers I will always tell you everything that I can and try to do it in a timely fashion. And that's really served me well over the years. • • Um, • • • • what you'll find is that the trust skyrockets and then the speculation • • • • plummets. And I'm not saying it completely goes away, but if you create a culture of transparency • without sharing things that are truly confidential, it can really change your school. Um, if you're going to explain the rationale behind the decision. • • • Um, another thing is that from an integrity standpoint, • • • I used to have a problem with this when I was feeling insecure, that I would say, well, you know, administration decided or something vague about, well, the board or, you know, it was discussed and it was decided, dot, dot, dot. What does that really mean? You know, what I do, what I've done over the last several years is just saying, you know, there were conversations discussed this with, um, the board and with some teachers and blah, blah. And then I decided, like, if it's your division, if it's your school, • I decided, dot, dot, dot. Okay? Extreme ownership. • • That's something that people respect. • • Um, and then • • really just deal with that gossip problem. I hate to say it. I, um, know how hard it is, and I've struggled, um, to deal effectively with that before. And I think that social media has only made that, um, worse. But to just be clear and, uh, to reach for the courage when you don't have the confidence and to address that, one or two people, • • the one or two people that are popping into your mind right now when you're thinking about your school, if you have a gossip problem, • • • um, you know, • • • it's hard to have that conversation. It's hard to hold them accountable. But what's worse is to just pretend that it doesn't exist. • • And, um, other teachers will • • appreciate, um, • • • your • • backbone in trying to deal with that person. And then the last thing on this quote is that the trust that you build by being more transparent will increase morale and on. And it will honestly improve your teacher retention. • • • Um, • • that secrecy • • • and, uh, lack of trust is one of the main reasons that teachers leave. •

Okay, then on to the last one, our last of, uh, four toxic quotes. • • • It is what it is, • • • • • • • and what I mean by this is that my life, the way that things are for me as a private school leader, right? Now, my life at school, my life at home, um, my evenings, my weekends, it is what it is, and this is just • • • • • • a resignation and an acceptance. Okay? • • And I want to acknowledge that sometimes your situation does feel like it's impossible to change. And maybe you have a problematic board. Maybe your parents are awful. Maybe your team is young and inexperienced and fill in all the blank. Maybe all of these things are true. • • • • • • • • I want you to try to see why this quote is so harmful • • for you as a leader. And that just takes us right into the problems. And I mentioned a moment ago that it just indicates it is what it is that you've given up. • Resignation, acceptance. • • And what it does is it takes away all of your agency and all of your power to change anything. • • And if you are truly in a situation that's awful, and it is what it is, and then you're just there, and there's no. Literally no chance in changing that situation. And it's taking a toll on you mentally and physically, and it's taking a toll on your relationships. • I • • I don't believe that there's any job that is worth your mental health, physical health, or your relationships. • • • And I get it. You know, you're. You're like, well, you're not in my situation. I have to pay my mortgage and so on and so forth. Well, I have a mortgage, too. • • Um, I've been in that situation before when my kids were little. And it's like, I get it. I stayed probably longer at a certain place than maybe I should have. • • Um, I get it. But I also don't want you to just accept that, well, this is what it is, • and it can't get better. It won't get better. Well, whether we believe something can or can't, we're right. • • And so, • um, it just suggests that these challenges and these problems are to be accepted rather than addressed. Let me say that one more time. • It is what it is says that this situation is to be accepted rather than addressed, and it gives us permission to not deal with any of these problems, • • and then we're not taking responsibility for our peace in this. If we have a peace, we usually have some kind of peace, • • • • and if we say it is what it is, then we don't have to bother trying. Okay. • And so what are some solutions to that? • • • First, uh, of all, I want you to imagine that the issue that you're dealing with is a student was a student issue. • • • • • Imagine the issue you're dealing with was a student issue. So, for example, • • • • • • • if a student is dealing with rising anxiety because of some problems at home, and you know about that and the teachers know about that, and then you just completely ignore that situation. • • • • • • You would never do that, • • but you're doing that with yourself. • • • So the situation that you're dealing with, if it's impacting you physically, emotionally, mentally, • • • • • uh, • • • view it through the lens of what would I do if this was a student issue? • • • • • Because you are just as valuable • as that student. • • • Try and get out of the pattern of thinking that you're in. You're in a pattern. It is what it is as a pattern of thinking. Try to take responsibility. What is my role? What have I contributed to this? And also, what can I do? • • • • Um, when it comes to responsibility, I'm going to link in the show notes at theprivateschool leader.com. episode 102. • • • • • • • Um, I'm going to link, um, the podcast, episode 42, extreme ownership, leadership lessons from a Navy SeAL. • • • Um, and I'm not blaming. I'm not victim blaming here. I'm not saying it is what it is, and it's all your fault. No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that, but we do need to change our pattern of thinking. Okay? And then, finally, is to make a list on a Google Doc. These things are in my control. • • These things are totally out of my control. • • And then pick one or two things off of the list that are in my control and take action. • • • I'm not saying it's going to change overnight, but I am saying that if you give up, that you're not going to change anything. • •

All right, the big takeaways from today's episode, the four most toxic quotes in private school leadership. • • Number one, when you do the impossible, it becomes part of your job description. Number two, we've always done it that way. Number three, that's on a need to know basis. And number four, it is what it is. • And your call to action for today's episode is to ask yourself which of these four quotes is most true about my work • • • and then take one action this week to get better in that area. I've given you some solutions, some ways to solve, to move forward, to make it better. As far as if this quote is most true about you, • • • • • decide which of these four quotes is most true about your work, and then take one action in the next week • to improve that based on what you heard here today. Okay, just a quick reminder that I have three open coaching spots right now, and I would love to work with you and help you solve, um, your big problem. • And you can find out [email protected].

coaching • also, I want to give you another free gift, and this one's called seven strategies to effectively deal with difficult teachers. We were talking about teachers earlier, and so sometimes we need courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. And I think what you need is a plan. And so this guide is a step by step plan to help you work with your difficult teacher, and that's [email protected]. difficult again, that's a free PDF guide for you. Seven strategies to effectively deal with difficult teachers. Theprivateschoolider.com • • difficult • • and I just appreciate you so much, um, how you, um, take time out of your day to listen to this podcast. I hope it's encouraging and inspiring and motivating for you. And I just want you to know there's lots of us out here that are going through the same stuff. And so just thank you for taking some of your precious time. Join me here today, and I'll see you next time right here on the private school Eater podcast. And until then, always remember to serve first, lead second, and make a difference.